Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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