youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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