So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
