Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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