I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
