I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
