Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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