Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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