Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
