Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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