do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we made out on top of his cat.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
