Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
