in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
