When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
