Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Im part way to drunk.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
