Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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