i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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