I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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