you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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