I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
