Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
