all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
