woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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