My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
