I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
