So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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