He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
