I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
