No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
