Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
