My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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