Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
