I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
