Ambien. No doubt about it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
