it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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