He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
