These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hippo gnu deer
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
