Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
