I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
