So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
