If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
