I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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