i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
