On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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