I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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