I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
