My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
