My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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