I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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