Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
